The Haiku Lounge

To my former TV Heros

It's cold as fuck

I'm sick of innuendos

Leave me alone now.

To my former Swami

Snow crunches, I squat
I see Baba's full moon rise

I cannot learn anymore

To The First Second and Third Storm

Two broken Blowers

How do you break a shovel?

I'm sick of this shit.

magickal musings

For years I owned a shop that catered mostly to Pagans and the curious. Magick is an interesting subject and much has been written about it. I am only going to try and address this subject in an anecdotal way.
I personally will not be addressing High Magick for a number of reasons. I am sure I will refer to some of them later. For now I will just say that in my opinion, there is hardly ever a need for high Magick unless it's defensive, (even then, I am doubtful).
Ordinary practical Magick should suit almost everybody's needs. Sometimes it doesn't work. This would usually be when you are interfering with a bigger plan.
I like to look at Magick like a wind that we blow on a paper boat on water, to send it in the direction we want. You wouldn't want to use High Magick to blow a paper boat would you? Would you use a nuclear power plant to toast a marshmallow?
Also most Magick is not permanent, but only a tool to create the right conditions for success. (sometimes it IS permanent. A curse CAN last as long as a grudge).
I think that Practical, (low, folk) Magick, like real intuition is our natural Heaven granted sovereign right, and we have been conditioned from birth to weaken and relinquish it. Even now, when I pick up the Tarot, I flinch with the memories of all my conditioning. Because my relationship with my creator is and has always been intimate and intense, I am always sensitive to not disrupt it. This, above all else is what steers me magically and ethically.
I was about 16 the first time I consciously practiced "Magick". (There was an odd thing when I was 4 but I won't get into it here). Before that time my magick was mostly created through prayer. I had a rugged rugged time with churches when I was young, indeed was a Catholic, Protestant and Episcopalian, all before age 11.
I digress.
There was a man that I was very taken with at at age sixteen. Although I was persuasive, the man in question was at the very least, ambivalent at our union and had ended any romantic future between us.
He had dropped me off at a bus station and given me a dime to use a payphone, when I reached my destination. Since I had my own dime, I kept the one he gave me.
When I got home, I picked some sweet smelling plants, (I have no idea which now, but they were wild, we were not green thumbs) and put them in a small silver bowl that was used for candy. I placed the bowl of plant stuff next to my telephone.
Then I dropped the dime in it.
The man DID call me again, and for a short agonizing time, we saw each other. But in the end, it only served to drag out a painful reality that we were both born at the wrong times for the relationship to blossom.
It caused both of us great emotional torment, because truth be told, the man was not inclined to break the law or exploit the young. I think it was this very fact that made me quite frantic with need. He was the first man I had ever met that felt that way.
***Another VERY important fact that it took me time to understand. What I did to that man at age 16 was really unethical, and we both paid for it. It is NEVER OK to try and control someone else's behavior. Whenever I have done this, purposely or not, I was always bit in the ass for it. (Scar producing bites :D )

My point is...in retrospect, I could have avoided so much suffering had I left the issue alone. And I sure did not learn that lesson early.
When I owned my shop, woman after woman would come in an announce that they were a "Solitary". (A witch that does her practice alone).
This is a label that I always shrank from. None of us are "solitary" when we practice. If you were alone, it wouldn't work. And Magick can and will work for anyone who tries it.
One of the reasons I believe that you don't need more people to manifest is because you are not without spiritual and elemental help. When you bring other people to practice, you also bring their "Crew". So when you think you are inviting one person, you maybe be inviting 10 of her closest friends too, only they are unseen. As you can see, this can get pretty crowded and maybe a little more power than you need.
I continued to use unseen means to manifest when I was young and never studied any philosophies or schools of Magick. My small rituals and petitions were created by myself intuitively, and to be perfectly honest , the means I favored throughout my life.
I have not practiced any formal Magick in the last five years, for a number of reasons, but mostly because I have not needed to.
The thing that always irked the shit out of me was that people seemed to gravitate towards Magick for "Power". I always tried to steer these folks to books that spoke of ethics and responsibility. A few Satanists straggled in but never felt welcome. I have rode enough chaos in my life without trying to wrestle with their ideologies.
One young man came in to my shop with a couple of little Goths, looking for a book on curses. I tried to steer him to some other books that described the principals of magick, and even told him that he could reach his goals without curses. His response was "I'm not new to Magick." My response was, "You must be, or you wouldn't need to use someone else's spellwork for your own."
Needless to say, he left my store with his dreams of wreaking havoc temporarily dashed.
He left a half a can of soda behind, and when I chased him down to return it, I looked deeply in his eyes. I could tell he was trying to start "shit". He apologized profusely. (I know most of you won't understand my objection to him leaving something behind, it doesn't matter, he knew why). He was lucky, someone else might have had a little fun with his DNA.
It is always better to have people underestimate you.
Most of the people that were drawn to Magick, at least the ones that I met, belonged to three groups.
1. They wanted to manifest "stuff" that they didn't want to work for.
2. They wanted to avenge and protect themselves.
3.They wanted to find a way to connect with "life".
The third group was the one I was most inclined to lend my attention to. I will not pretend that I didn't make a good living on the first group, but I was always upfront with my opinion.
The second group only got my attention, to the degree that I would try and show them that they didn't need vengeance or "protection" to be happy and live unmolested. This group is why I kept most of my oils, black candles and black salt in my apothecary "back room". (You would not believe how many people tried to follow me in there).
I also never sold "Athames". ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Athame ) Not because I object to them, I just thought carrying something that could be turned on me in my own store, seemed a foolhardy choice for stock.
A word on "early suffering". A painful history is very useful for managing other peoples' angry energies. It toughens you to external ill intentions. If someone throws a "whammy" at you, you might not even notice it. It might feel like a "flat tire", a noticeable aggravation, if you are tough, you fix the "tire". It hardly breaks your stride.
* I will concede that ritual high magick is a good choice for healing.
It is my opinion that all the tools we use for magic are just dressing to help us focus on our goal. Some of the things we do are to raise enough energy to release with our intentions. Sort of like "paying our way" instead of freeloading on our unseen sources. Chanting and dancing are a couple of ways this happens. Sex is also a way to raise an energetic payment, but might be reserved for something that needs a potent punch. Most of the energy raising I did was simply walking in a circle. But, as you can see I never really stretched further than I needed magickly.
I moved to a big city when I was a young girl, and sort of got sidetracked for a few years, with music and the social scene. I had the time of my life and really had little reason to "work" anything. But I sure was protected, this I think was not due to any efforts or intuitions. I think it simply wasn't my destiny to be harmed back then.
I lived in some pretty "economical" neighborhoods back then. One was the East Village, and when I returned home at night, (or in the morning) I would often walk by this shop. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoSYGOe-L4I
I would say that 85% of the "Spell" trade that came my way was someone, usually a woman, wanting a love spell. I really felt sympathy for these women. How many times in my life did I feel like life wasn't worth living when some douchebag rejected me? I would help her approach the problem one of two ways, we would try and bring forth her most visible, sensual self. (This had mixed results). Or we would find a way to issue a universal invite for her next passion to appear. (This might not always be a mate, but sometimes a project that absorbed the client.
This is sort of getting preachy, and I don't want it to sound like I am an expert. Truth is, like everything else, I am trying to organize and articulate, just what it is I think. I expect to see a few contradictions.
Without a lot of feedback, I doubt I will bother to be coherent with this thread. Instead, since I am mostly entertaining myself and my own ideas, I will jump around as it pleases me and ruminate on whatever floats into my mind.
One of my friends brought it to my attention that this was Imbolc today, indeed once upon a time I might be celebrating this Holiday with some women I know.
Today my life is a little quieter.
I thought I would take a moment to speak again on my reluctance to group Magick. I have two reasons that I shy away from it mostly.
First, I rarely find myself in conditions so dire, that I need that kind of assistance. I am not saying it will never happen, just that it hasn't been my experience as of yet.
Secondly, I am reluctant to merge my energies with others, even the ones I trust implicitly. There have been a time or two when someone else's subconscious intentions found the way into the energies we raised and released. There are people who can "read" if a person is in a good and clean position for ritual, but I am not one of them.
I do not expect any (many ) to even read this thread but me. Since this site is in early stages, the thread is likely to get buried when things pick up. Until then, I hope my friends that DO see this, barge in and offer another perspective. And if you read this and don't belong to this site, skype me, pm me or email me, so that we can discuss this. I would like a fresh outlook.

I guess at the moment, I feel led to talk about WHEN MAGICK DOESN'T WORK.
A lot of people are surprised that spell work is quite often a lengthy and ongoing process. I have had spells actively working for two years or more to achieve a goal. This is a far cry from the old TV program "Bewitched", where "Samantha" waves her hands or wiggles her nose and manifests what she wants.
Maybe High Magick works faster...I don't know.
My point is, if Magick doesn't work you probably haven't devoted enough time or energy to the subject. This is why I always discouraged "Quick Spells" and wanna be pagans that were just interested in manifesting without effort or focus. (Another reason for failure, although even then it can sometimes work.)
There is another reason your Magick might not produce the effects you were trying to achieve. Many people include the intention that whatever is manifested, be for the "good of all."
Sometimes your intentions might not line up with this universal petition.
So as usual, this is out of sequence. But I was moved to pop this vid in to briefly address gathering energy for intentions. When I say briefly I mean I am going to post this video and maybe will talk some more to it later.

It is past the halfway mark when it starts to get interesting.
"I Love Lucy" has been a lifelong love of mine. I have been watching it since I was a small girl. The clip above is from a scene that sort of blew me awy back then, but I didn't understand why I was enchanted. Speaking of enchanting...notice how they break the flow and rhythm with dialogue...hmmm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZKVJHrlmkA

A discourse on the subject of popularity

I am bored and lonely this morning, with a busy mind, that at the moment seems preoccupied with the notion of popularity. I know that this is a subject many

have strong feelings about so I thought we might toss the subject around .
So let us reflect together.
A dear friend quoted this to me when I expressed anxiety about losing a group of friends. Her grandfather always said "Observe the masses and run in the other

direction."
About 8 months ago I was reading a story online about a woman on welfare, and the tough times she faced. I knew something about the subject as I was once hit

by a car, and was laid up unable to work for a few months. I have also been a homeless youth and know VERY much about survival, and making do. At any rate,

the article had a picture of the woman, who was holding a fresh bouquet. She had hands heavy with silver and long, beautiful, freshly manicured fingernails. I

made the mistake of commenting how nice her hands looked and got over a thousand hostile responses. And the more I tried to back out of the remark, the worse

it got.
It went on all day, and was connected to my facebook, I deleted all the comments but they still kept coming. I eventually had to close my fb account and open a

new one. Energetically it was very draining. My adrenaline pumped like crazy all day.
Later, when it all quieted down, I sat back and appreciated the lesson of how dangerous a crowd can be. It was pretty astonishing how quickly people with no

knowledge of me or my background, (indeed my present circumstances) were so ready to string me up! I shudder to think what would have happened in 3D.
I have tons more to say on the subject, but my neck is aching and I think I will break, and write a more in a bit.
I think I am working it out as I write.
I did not become aware of the notion of popularity until about third grade. That is not to say I wasn't the target of my teachers. (Can you imagine? A target at the

ages of 6 and 7?)
My second grade teacher did her best to make sure that I didn't fit in. There were other terrible factors at play as well, and perhaps because of these I stood out

somehow.
I will never know why. I have evidence though. My mother brought me all my old report cards. There were some pretty heavy judgments about a six and seven

year old girl.
I remember they sent me to a shrink twice. He played checkers with me. I was very guarded and was able to keep my secret. I didn't want to lose the love of my

mother and father.
By third grade, peer groups were established firmly and I suddenly found myself completely outside. Worse, I was the object of much bullying and torment. I

could tell you the reasons why, but it is another long and dreary story.
My older sister was of no help, she was, like other siblings, angry at having to compete for parental resources (of which there were few), and mortified to be

related to someone so disliked by so many. At dinner she would report to my parents how ill liked I was, my mother in turn, who was top of everything in her life,

would get on her hind legs and berate me for my lack of social skills.
Throughout my childhood, I found solace from a variety of predators, but I paid a high price.
By the age of twelve I became pretty wild. I stopped giving a fuck about my peers, they were all idiots anyway. I started hanging out with the local artists, who

were probably in their 30s. Why they let me hang around I really have no idea, but I will always be grateful. They exposed me to new ideas and a new way to look

at things more critically.
But of course my mother didn't like it, and the tighter her grip got, the wilder I became. By age thirteen, my boyfriends were all men, or approaching it, and

would pick me up after school in cars. I became somewhat notorious back then. By age 14 I was envied and admired by many in high school. All of a sudden I

belonged. Even my teachers were interested in me. It was totally inexplicable, and I never had a handle on it.
Because I had been hanging around artists, my style was very quirky and artistic. Some of my clothing were cast offs from my older hippy friends, but I wore a lot

of vintage stuff from thrift shops. Everyone else was shopping in department stores, which was beyond my means anyway. I was hard to copy, but so many tried. I

wasn't sure that it wasn't a coincidence, so for a week once, I wore nothing but corduroys and turtle necks. By the following Monday, it was like being

surrounded by poets in a coffee house.
By summertime, I had washed my hands of the whole bunch, I got a job, and was looking forward to a place at a small alternative school. There, I did well among

my peers, we were all misfits and gave each other lots of space.
My husband is up right now so I will stop for the moment. I would love to hear all of your opinions on the subject.
Sometimes, people think my wish for people to like me, equals a need for popularity. (It is part of my nature and unlikely to change.)
This is more complicated than that, and I think if I continue to discuss it, we can explore what it really means to be "popular".
Although I am no where near ready to refer to the times I found myself extremely popular and how trying that was. (Do you ever wonder why I have been in

hiding for 5 years?)
We sneer at the notion of "popularity" (and rightly so). But in business, (and even here, that is what I consider this place) popularity is not with out value. As a

former business owner I am aware that goodwill is the lubricant that turns the gears of commerce.
When I lived in NYC, I tended bar for a living while I pursued a musical career. As I am sure you know, charm was key for a good living.
Later as a hairdresser, not being popular would have put me on the dole. It is important that customers like you. Yes, good work is essential and I was

management in both positions.
But there was no room for the socially awkward.
I opened my shop as a resource for a few of my friends, (Magickal supplies) and to bring some of the local pagans out of the cracks and maybe network a little.
In addition to that, I found a long line of spiritually thirsty women, while it was lovely to be admired, the pedestal they wanted me on was very confining.
The endless begging for advice got so crazy, I started giving readings. This way, there was a limit on how much of my time they could take up, and I was paid for

the drain.
And still they hung on, and around. One woman stayed at my store for a record 8 hours one day. I was so wrung out I cried all the way home.
There were women who were so draining that I actually closed the store and left when I saw them coming.
It didn't stop when I closed the shop. When I had my knee replaced I was to be hospitalized for 3 weeks. I left a week early because I couldn't get any rest at all.

They all came in all day and thought they were "visiting". But truly, it was to relate their personal dramas and get my feedback. If I pretended to sleep, they would

wait.
By the time I got home, I stopped answering my phone and door.
The worst part about my "Popularity" is when Jim was getting chemo. No one offered a hand, indeed, resented it, when I wasn't personally at the store and more

than once was reproached by total strangers for it.
Perhaps that last post will explain that although I crave company, I can only really bear it on a virtual level...
I think in essence I mean that extreme popularity can be as hazardous as what happened to me the day I admired that woman's lovely hands on the internet.
And while maybe it was not popularity that drove me behind closed doors for 5 years, it was what slid the lock
Coffee, fuzzy head. I am rereading the previous posts, mining relevant data from my own essay. (I am really hoping more will chime in). I have a tendency to take

all of life in, without understanding any of it. Occasionally in a quiet moment, I will take out one of those snarled memories, and untangle that particular inch of

knotted chain. (I plant little red flags in my memories, for things I don't quite get, but "feel" like they are off somehow.)
This morning what stands out to me is that brief period of high school and the sudden approval I had from my peers, (a few teachers too)
On reflection I think it must have been the total apathy I displayed. Isn't that a silly and cruel fact? When I craved the nourishment of friendship or even a civil

response from my community, it was denied. Perversely, kind regard is usually only awarded to those that don't require it.
I think I will let that notion roll around in my head.
I have to prepare for a reading :)
So I laid awake this morning musing on this topic again. (I am so happy to be thinking creatively again!!!) And considered the different reasons for popularity. I

thought I might dissect a few of these reasons and examine them
One of the common reasons someone might be popular is magnetism. This is an elusive quality that I do not possess. At it's best, a magnetic person can energize

and motivate scores of people at the same time. They make good politicians if they are smart, celebrities if their skills are less erudite.
From a personal standpoint, when I struggled with a plethora of friendly, yet attention hungry crowds, magnetism was not what drew them in. I am pretty

confident when I say that I am anti magnetic. Lightbulbs burn out early (The new ones don't thank heaven) and watches stop working when I wear them. I like to

fancy that I have a personal talent of canceling appointments on a metaphysical level. As a kid I evaded a vaccination in school even though I stood in line with all

the other kids. I became invisible to the adults, which is a topic I will explore here later.
There is a trick I used in my hairdressing days after a long day. I would plead with the universe to cancel my last appointment. It worked so well, that I would

sometimes do it for my husband who had some long and hellish days as a massage therapist. With him, I had a modest enough success rate that we were both

surprised when it didn't work one day. lol9
But I digress.
So there is magnetism, which is relevant to the subject but not something I possess personally.
I have spent time in the presence of magnetic people. Sometimes they would even permit me to hang around. The interesting thing about magnetic people is that

they exude so much energy sometimes, it might exhaust the regular guy. Magnetic people seem limitless. I do not know if this is true about them or not.
OK, people also are attracted to talent and expertise. The funny thing about artists and Genius in general is that they are notoriously bad tempered. And yet people

will negotiate any amount of dignity, if only to be in the orbit of a talented genius.
But maybe I can understand the moodiness of those geniuses. Not because I can relate, but the popularity I experienced as an adult sometimes held me up

timewise, and I expended more energy than I could afford, in order to not be unkind.
Maybe the passion that goes with genius, (I can only speculate this) gets the flow interrupted by all the adoration. If I was always interrupted when I was smack in

the middle of doing something ...encompassing, I would probably turn bitchy myself. As a matter of fact, I have never coped very well with friendly masses.


And what is it that people seek when they try to get close to genius, or celebrity? Do they think it will rub off? Or that they will be able to glean from the tailings

of celebrity success? Or is it as bewitching as a moth to a flame? And where does love, the adoring kind, the worshipful kind or the romantic kind fit into this?
OK, I woke this morning musing again on my own experience. Being unpopular was/has been mostly OK. (Even as a kid, I could have accepted this, it was the

torment and bullying that was so awful).
There are always people that will still engage, although the choices are narrower. I don't mind, there are plenty of great conversations to have with most

anyone...if they are willing.
But that last round of popularity, what was it and how was it different from the other times?
The earliest time I found myself "popular" I maintain was from the fact that I absolutely did not give a tiny shit what my peers and authorities thought of me. But

the fact that it (my apathy) raised their esteem for me is what has always puzzled me. But this morning I think I might have hit the nail directly on the flat of it.
It was easy enough for me to reject the opinions of my daily encounters with the public. These people tormented me and rejected me so wholly that it had for a

period, educated me in the art of invisibility. If I had not learned that skill, I would not have survived.
But the new moving part in my life, the one that made it easy to reject that bunch, was the comfort of my artist friends. I would never for an instant pretend that

they garnered anything from my friendship. No I would say that their companionship was a gift free of charge. I have never once understood it, but have always

tried to make that effort for others. I think everyone deserves a soft place to land when things are...tough.
Mostly when I was with my friends, (we had a few hangouts) I didn't add anything to the conversation around me. I might ask a question, but never tried to

dominate the room with them. I usually just drank coffee or tea with them. Often I would quietly paint with water colors or fiddle with pastels. Someone would

usually point out tips to improve what I was working on. It is worth noting at this time I had a scholarship to an expensive art program after school in the next

town. For some odd reason, my art teacher had procured this for me and even provided brushes and supplies (no doubt swiped from the art dept.) He even gave

me a ride to the next town where it was located. My mom picked me up. You see what I mean? Even a teacher somehow took THAT much interest in me. Even

let me work on my projects in class. *Mr. Blanchard hanged himself many years later. In this circumstance, perhaps he, like my adult friends, saw in me what he

felt in himself, and just wanted to give me that soft place to land.
That last recollection has left me a little teary eyed, so I will reflect for a moment.
My husband was in a service profession. A massage therapist and a great one.(Previous life he held engineering gigs). While not personally popular. he was

professionally. Some of this was no doubt his technique and intuitive perception of anatomy. He was lucky that this is a "quiet" vocation so he wasn't required to

converse much. Did he flirt? I don't know...could be. lol9 His private practice was made up of old broads that seemed to worship him.
In the end, he dropped his private practice for a slightly less lucrative spa job. He was protected with benefits and health insurance, as was I. And he didn't have to

forge friendships with the clients. (Although it did still happen from time to time).
But in private life Jim is largely misanthropic. I like to have him drive me to hair appointments, (the ones I do on shut ins) and he almost will never agree to

come inside, whatever the weather. My friends will beg and plead with him, even send out an edible treat, trying to entice him like a feral animal. (See what I

mean about what an apathetic attitude will inspire?) It is only when he is reassured that no one will speak to him, will he come inside. But usually people can't

resist speaking to Jim, so he almost always remains in the car.